Clean Jokes

[The March Hare]

Date: 11/02/05 07:58:22
To: BERYL COSTIN; bob davis

The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,

Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.
I ran my finger down her spin.

I don't know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.
And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, it's all over now.
My first time ever...
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...Milking a cow!
(And what were YOU thinking about?)

[The March Hare]

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A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?

Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks. "What
happened??

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at
myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not
have a headache,' several times. Well, It worked! The
headaches are all gone!"

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

She then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a
ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why
don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do
anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home,
rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries
her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and
says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into
the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later,
jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife
-- like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was
wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round
two was even better than the first time. The wife
sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband
again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time,
his wife quietly follows him and there, in the
bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and
repeatedly saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my
wife. She's not my wife

[The March Hare]

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dork?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

[The March Hare]

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You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line,
covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They
phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived
and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat
they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes
inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house
will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her
husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye
to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid pregnant dog was hiding under the
bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She
tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap
her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I
hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car

[The March Hare]

Next time you're invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can't attend:

I'D LOVE TO BUT...

... I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
... I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
... I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
... I have to fluff my shower cap.
... I have to fulfill my potential.
... I left my body in my other clothes.
... I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
... I'll be looking for a parking space.
... I'm being deported.
... I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
... I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
... I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
... I'm sandblasting my oven.
... I'm taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.
... I'm worried about my vertical hold.
... I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
... I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.
... it's too close to the turn of the century.
... my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
... my plot to take over the world is thickening.
... my subconscious says no.
... none of my socks match.
... the grunion are running.
... the last time I went, I never came back.
... the monsters haven't turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots

[The March Hare]

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal, wood,plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?

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They were M&M's!!! - (get your mind out of the gutter !!)
Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

[The March Hare]

One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times.

Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky.

All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.

"Whats wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out".

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"

"Yes" replied the girl.

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy came running in crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. "No" replied the boy, "I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!"

[The March Hare]

______________________________________________



family fortunes answers



A word beginning with Z: "Xylophone.."



A slang word for a girl: "Slag.."



An animal with horns: "A bee..."



A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.."



Something made of wool: "A sheep.."



Something a bridegroom might wear: "A dress.."



Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.."



An animal with a long tail: "A rabbit.."



Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: "A magnifying glass.."



Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.."



A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.."



A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.."



A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.."
(Also from the same family: "I wake up each morning..", "The skies are blue..", and "Over the hills and far away..")



Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.."



Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.."



A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.."



A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.."



A measurement of liquid: "Paint.."



Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.."



A famous thingy: "Carrot.."



A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.."



Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.."



Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.."



A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.."



A yellow fruit: "Orange.."



An animal beginning with B: "Bullfrog.."



Something associated with Liverpool: "The Yellow Brick Road.."



A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: "Little Red Riding Hood.."



Something associated with Queen Victoria: "Her husbands.."



Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: "Your legs.."



A place you would keep a pen: "A zoo.."



Something you beat: "An apple.."



Something associated with rain: "Water.."



An animal that lives in the English countryside: "A lion.."



Something you make into a ball: "Eggs.."



A game that uses a black ball: "Darts.."



A popular TV soap: "Dove.."



Other than 'carrier', a type of bag: "Horse.."



Something you might find in a garage: "a grand piano.."



Something a Frenchman would say Answer: "On Garde.."



A fast animal: "A hippo.."



Something you keep in the garden: "A cat.."



Something that gives you goosebumps: "Mumps.."



A character from Little Red Riding Hood: "Hansel and Gretel.."



Something that has a shell: "Batman.."



Any dance apart from the waltz: "The ball dance.."



Something a policeman might say: "Spread 'em.."



Something that frightens Dracula: "The King of the Vampires.."



A non-living object with legs: "A plant.."



A sign of the Zodiac: "April.."



An animal associated with a nursery rhyme: "Andy Pandy.."



A mode of transport that you can walk in: "Your shoes.."



An animal with big ears: "A bear.."



Something you do on water: "Wallpaper.."



A musical instrument you can play in the bath: "A drum kit.."



Something associated with Egypt: "Cigars.."



A part of your body you only have one of: "Your big toe.."



Something you pull: "A potato.."



An animal used as a form of transport: "A turtle.."



A famous Phil or Philip: "Phil Johnson.."



A habit people try to give up: "Spitting.."



A Thunderbirds character: "Doctor Spock.."



Another TV gameshow with the word 'family' in the title: "The Generation Game.."



A seaside resort on the south coast: " Rio de Janeiro.."



Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."



Something with a red light on it: "a Dalek.."



Something that makes you scream: "A squirrel.."



A food than can easily be eaten without chewing: "Chips.."



A type of record: "A floppy disk.."



A type of large cat: "Persian.."



A job that a working dog does: "A slave.."



Something people might be allergic to: "Skiing.."



An occupation where you need a torch: "A burglar.."



A well known superstition: "Running in front of a car.."



Something you use a microchip in: "A fish-fryer.."



A dangerous race: "The Arabs.."



A game played in the dark: "Charades.."



Some famous brothers: "Bonnie and Clyde.."



A jacket potato topping: "Jam.."



A part of the body you have more than two of: "Arms.."



Something you find on a fire engine: "Coal.."



A famous royal: "Mail.."



Something you do before going to bed: "Sleep.."



An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: "A horse.."



An animal you see at the zoo: "Dog.."



Something you might do in a power cut: "Read a book.."



A famous Parisian landmark: "Hawaii.."



One of Harry Enfield's characters: "Sooty.."



A famous Irishman: "Disraeli.."



The first place detectives look for fingerprints: "The floor.."



Something you associate with the sea: "A coffin.."



A famous Arthur: "Shakespeare.."



A type of cut: "Skull.."



A weapon in the game of Cluedo: "Dice.."



Something people take to the beach: "Turkey.."



A reason someone digs a hole in the road: "Grave digger.."



An ingredient in chicken stuffing: "Chicken.."



Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: "His name.."



A bird with a long neck: "A blackbird.."



A bird with a long neck (2): "Naomi Campbell.."



An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: "Underpants.."



Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: "The lamps.."



Something you keep in a garden shed: "A gardener.."



A song with moon in the title: "Blue Suede Moon.."



A famous cowboy: "Buck Rogers.."



A famous Wild-West character: "Wild Bill Eathingy.."



Something you'd associate with the three bears: "Red Riding Hood.."



Fruit used in fruit salad: "Cucumber.."



Something you wear on the beach: "A deckchair.."



A method of cooking fish: "Cod.."



Something you borrow from your partner: "Shoes.."



A part of the body beginning with N: "Knee.."



A famous Scotsman: "Vinnie Jones.."



A famous Scotsman (2): "Jock.."



Something red: "My cardigan.."



A kind of ache: "Fillet-o-fish.."



Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."



Something with a hole in it: "A window.."



Something you do in the bathroom: "Decorate.."



Something you put on walls: "Roofs.."



A domestic animal: "A leopard.."



Something that floats in the bath: "Water.."



Something in the garden that's green: "The shed.."



Something a blind man might use: "A sword.."



The last thing you take off before going to bed: "Your feet.."



Something that flies without an engine: "A bicycle with wings.."

[Emma]

They're ace, I used to love Family Fortunes ;D

[The March Hare]

An oldie,but one of my fav jokes ever!



There are four people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."

The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French **** again.

[The March Hare]

A man goes to a zoo, and is disappointed to only find a solitary dog.

It was a nutszu.

[The March Hare]

The Extraction

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

[The March Hare]

Dangerous Food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"

[The March Hare]

Direct Diagnosis

Judy rushed in to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[Emma]

Haha, keep 'em coming Bob ;D

[The March Hare]

Is God talking to me & other philosophical questions

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "d**n it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"



A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians"



A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

[The March Hare]

Heads Are Tough

Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.

The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to he pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.

The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon.

The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."

Joe said "I understand - heads are tough."

The surgeon said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine! Jim suffocated in that plastic

[The March Hare]

The Busy Doctor

A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited. His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young doctor told her to send him in.

Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as the man came in. "Yes, that's right. The fee is $200. Yes, I'll expect you ten past two. Alright. No later. I'm a very busy man."

He hung up and turned to the man waiting. "May I help you?"

"No," said the man, "I just came in to install the phone."

[The March Hare]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display.

"I have good news and bad news," the gallery owner replied. " The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."

"What did you say?" questioned the artist.

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor

[The March Hare]

is

Mount Sainai Hospital

A woman called Mount Sainai Hospital. She said "Mount Sainai Hospital? Hello, Darling. I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other line said "Would you hold the line please, that's a very unusual request." Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"

She said: "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel in Room 302."

He said "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Farber, Feinberg -- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."

The guy on the other end says: "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family."

She said "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel!! My doctor don't tell me nothing."