Clean Jokes

[The March Hare]

!

Airline Names And Slogans


Airline Acronyms

AA: Abort! Abort!
Always Awful

AirBC: Scare BC

Air Canada: Air Chaos

Air France: Air Chance

Air India: Allah Informed
Almighty Informed

Alitalia: (the) Airplane Lands In Toronto And (the) Luggage In Australia
Always Late In Taking-offs, Always Late In Arrivals
A Little Italian Tradition And Lotsa Italian Attitude

Allegheny: Agony

American: A Miracle Each Rider Is Currently Alive Now
Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps and Nausea

AUA: Almost Unknown Airline

AWA: Always Wasting Assets

BA: Bloody Awful
British Apoplectic

BEA: Better Eat Afterwards

BOAC: Better On A Camel
Blast Off And Crash
Bloody Old And Careless

Boeing: Broken Off Engines In Numerous Gardens

BWIA (British West Indian Airways): Baggage Wandering In Africa
Better Walk If you're Able
Born to Wait In Airports
But Will I Arrive?

CA (China Airlines): Choose Another

CAAC (Civil Aviation Administration of China):
China Air Always Canceled
China Air Always Crashed
China Airlines Always Crashs

CP Air (now Canadian Airlines International): Cabbage Patch Airlines
Can't Promise Anything
CAI (New code): Crash And Ignite
Call Ambulance Immediately
Circle Airport Indefinitely
Cruise Above Iceland
Cancel Alaskan Itinerary
Call Attendants "Idiots"
Check All Items
Copilots Are Imbeciles
Casual Atmosphere Inside

Dan Air: Dangerous And Nearly Always Incredibly Rough

Delta: Damaged Engines Limit Take-off Ability
Departures Extra-Late, Tardy Arrivals
Directed Everybody's Luggage To Atlanta
Doesn't Ever Leave The Airport
Doesn't Ever Land The Airplane
Doesn't Experience Like This Andrenalize?
Don't Even Let Them Aboard
Don't Ever Let Terrorists Aboard
Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive
Don't Expect Loved-ones To Arrive
Don't Expect Luggage Today at All
Drunken Engineers Land Too Abruptly

Delta's Sky West: Scare West

EAA: Even Apes Aviate

EL AL: Egyptian Louting Arab Loathing
Every Landing Always Late
Every Landing Always Lousy
Everyones Luggage Always Lost
Exploded Luggage -- Airliner Lost!

Finnair: Flies Ideally? Nah, Not Airbourne In Reality

IA: Inform Allah
Inform Almighty

JAL: Journey Always Late

JAT (Yugoslav Airlines): Joke About Time

LIAT: Leave Island Any Time
Lost inbetween Antigua, Trinidad
Luggage In Any Terminal

LOT (Polish Airlines): Lots Of Trouble
Last One There
Luggage On Tarmack

Lufthansa: Let Us Fiddle The Hostess And Not Say Anything
Lousy Useless Fliers: They Haven't Any Navigational Systems
Aboard

Northwest: Nobody Out Ranks This Horrid, Worthless, Excruciatingly
Sluggish Transport

Northwest Orient: Northworst Disorient

Olympic: Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash

PAL: Plane Always Late

Pan Am: Passengers Always Need A Mortician
Pilots Are Not A Must
Poor Airline Needs Any Money
Plan On Arriving Nervewracked And Mad

PIA (Pakistan Intl. Airlines): Passenger's Illegal Abductor
Perhaps I Arrive
Please Inform Allah
Pray I'll Arrive
Panic In Air

PSA: Paul's Saturday Airline
Poor Sailor's Airline

Pacific Western - PWA (now Canadian Airlines International):
Pete's Wobbly Airline
Piddly Widdly Airline
Please Wait Awhile

QANTAS: Queasy and Nauseous, Tired And Sick
Queenies And Nymphomaniac Transvestite Air Stewards
Queers And Nymphos Trained As Staff
Quick And Nasty Transportation, Australian Style
Quite A Neat Trick, Arriving Safely
Quite A Nice Trip, Any Survivors?
Quits Air-travel, Next Time Approaches Ship

Sabena (Belgium): Such A Bad Experience; Never Again!

SAHSA (Honduras's Official Airline): Stay At Home, Stay Alive

SAS (Scandinavian Airline System): Service After Sex
Sex And Satisfaction
Such A S***

SIA (Singapore Intl. Airlines): So Incredible, Aah
Sex In the Air
Singapore Imitates America

TACA: Take Another Carrier Always
Take A Coffin Along
Tome Alcohol Cuanda Aborda

TAP (Portuguese Airlines): Take A Parachute
Take Another Plane

Thy: They Hate You

TWA: Teeny Weeeny Airline
Terrorists With AK-47s
That Was Accidental
That Was Awful
The Worst Airline
TightWad Airlines
Tiny Wings A-flappin'!
Tomorrow We'll Arrive
Tomorrow's Widebody Accident
Took Wrong Airline
Totally Wasted Airline
Travel With Arabs
Travel Without Arrival
Traveling Without Air
Trembling Wings Airline
Try Walking Across
Try With Another

United: U Need Insurance That Exempts Death
Usually Not Enclined To Eliminate Disasters

US Air: Underwater seats available in rear
Unfortunately Still Allegheny In Reality

Uta: Unlikely To Arrive
Unable To Ascend

Varig: Virgins Always Refuse Intensive Groveling
Virgin's Are Rare In Glasgow

Virgin: Very Interesting Ride: Going Into Nymphos


Airline Sound-a-likes

Aer Lingus: Aer Fungus

Aeroperu: Aeroperhaps

Air Afrique: Air Freak(out)

Air Canada: Err Canada

Air France: Air Chance

Air Wisconsin: Scare Wisconsin

Allegheny Air: Agony Air (USAir since many years)

British Airways: Brutish Airways
Brutish Scareways

Cascade Airways: Crashcade Scareways

Continental: Contemptible

Lufthansa: Lusthansa

Midwest Express: Midwest Excess

Mohawk: Slowhawk

Northwest: Northworst
Northwaste

People Express: CattleCar Express
People Distress
People Compress

Piedmont: Piedmonster (merged with USAir)

QuebecAir: Quick Air

United: Untied

US Air: Useless Air
US Scare
USAirheads


Slogans

Delta: "We love to fly and it's close"
"We love to show our flies"

Eastern: Who?

Mexicana: Where being late is fashionable

[The March Hare]

Pilot's Hell

The following joke appeared in Reader's Digest:

Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where he
found a hideous devil and three doors. The devil was busy escorting other
pilots to various "hell rooms."

"I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a thingypit where the
pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks. He slammed
that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights
flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another. Unable to
imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed
to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants answering to a
captain's every whim. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the
devil reappeared.

"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's flight
attendants' hell."

[The March Hare]

Little Guy Next To A Big Guy On A Plane

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes
later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat
next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a
little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go
to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is
sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the planne hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a nausea
passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and pukes all
over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the
vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

[The March Hare]

Laughzone.com
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The Top 15 Advertising Slogans For Delta Air Lines

. Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.

2. Join our frequent near-miss program.

3. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

4. Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off!

5. Complimentary champagne in free-fall.

6. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

7. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

8. You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane!

9. Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

10. Delta: We might be landing on your street!

11. Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

12. Bring a bathing suit.

13. So that's what these buttons do!

14. Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.

15. Delta: We never make the same mistake three times

[The March Hare]

!

Yugo Jokes

Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster?
A: A towtruck.

Q: What do you call the shock absorbers inside a Yugo?
A: Passengers.

Q: Why does a Yugo have a heated rear window?
A: So you hands won't get cold while you're pushing it.

Q: How can you get a Yugo to do 60 miles an hour?
A: Push it over a cliff.

Q: Have you heard about the new Yugo convertible?
A: Researchers how found that if you tow it past 60, the top flies off.

Q: What comes with every Yugo User's Manual?
A: The bus schedule.

Q: What do you call a Yugo at the top of a big hill?
A: A miracle!

Q: What do Yugos have in common with Ferarris?
A1: A Ferarri can go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds.
A2: A Yugo can go from 0 to 4 in 60 seconds.

Q: How do you fix a broken Yugo?
A: 1) Lift off the radiator cap.
2) Push off cliff.
3) and drive brand-new one underneath radiator cap.
(30-mile/3-day warranty included!)

Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A1: Fill the tank with gas! (If it can still hold liquid.)
A2: If not, put a gallon of milk in the back seat.
A3: This joke has been censored because it offends Yugoslavians, other
people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes against the
Communist belief system that material goods are provided by the state
for its populace and therefore should have no stated monetary or status
value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-now group will also be upset
because this joke encourages automobile use.

I have also said for years that the car is named because "Yugo, but it
doesn't."

Yugos are now much safer and come standard with an air bag. When you sense
an impending accident, start blowing *real fast.*

Actually, a Yugo CAN accelerate as fast as a Ferarri, if you give it a fast
enough running start, so it clears the cliff's edge...

The Oakland Police captured two men in their Yugo last night. The men are
being held as suspects in the city's first push-by shooting.

Consumer safety tests showed that a 5 mph parking-lot crash will cause about
$2800 damage to a Yugo. What's left? About $1200 of "dealer prep."

A friend went to a dealer the other day and said, "I'd like a gas cap for my
Yugo."
The dealer replied, "OK. Sounds like a fair trade."

Yu*go (yoo-go)
n. 1) Small, economical, Yugoslavian-built automobile.
2) 4x4 hood ornament.
adj. 1) What doesn't happen when you press the accelerator.

From the Yugo owner's manual: "If you sense an impending accident with any
other animate or inanimate object larger than a breadbox, quickly
1) place head between legs,
2) lock hands behind head,
3) Repeat: "Our Father, who art in heaven..."

[The March Hare]

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Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you

[The March Hare]

Borrowing Dad's Car

The parents of two boys (14 and 16 year-olds) went on a trip for the weekend
with friends. They left early Friday morning and the boys were left alone
at home. That evening the younger boy made the suggestion that they take
their dad's car, pick up some girls and go to the local disco. The 16
year-old boy could drive a bit but was too scared. After some nagging he
gave in and off they went to enjoy the evening. When they got back to the
car after a lot of discothequeing, they noticed a huge dent in the rear of
the car - someone must have bumped into the car and drove off.

Frantically they phoned their friends to find a panelbeater/spraypainter to
fix their dad's car. Finally they found one who said they must have the car
at his house early next morning. The car was fixed properly and they parked
it back in the garage that afternoon. Their parents returned the next day
but the boys were too terrified to say anything about the accident. The
father went to get something from the garage, came back very amazed and said
to the family in the lounge, "A miracle has happened! A guy drove into the
back of my car on Thursday and now it is fixed without a scratch

[The March Hare]

Share this with a friend!

Old Man And His Moped

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997, Turbo
BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs
him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a
red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up
next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and
asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?".

The young man replies, "A 1997 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lot of money," says the shocked old man. "Why does it cost so
much?

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude
proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back
on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what
his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads
320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting
closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" the young man
asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes
by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the
old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped
outdo a Turbo BeepBeep?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It
plows into the back of the car, demolishing the rear end. The young man
jumps out, and it is the old man! Of course the moped and the old man are
hurt for certain. He runs up to the ailing old man and says, "You're hurt
bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies, "Yeah. Unhook my elastic suspenders from
your side-view mirror!"

[The March Hare]

Airline Humor

Two folks in cabin hear the pilot of a 747 come on and say, "Well folks, one
of our four engines, #2, has quit, but don't be alarmed. This bird can fly
on three. But we'll be an hour late arriving."

Some time later the pilot comes on and says, "Well, #3 has quit, but we're
OK and we'll be two hours late, sorry."

Later, again, the pilot says, "Well, looks like we lost #4, but this plane
can fly on one engine, only we'll be three hours late."

At this point, one person turns to the other and says, "If we lose the last
engine, we'll be up here all day!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nervous passenger to stewardess: "How often do these aircraft crash?"

Stewardess: "Only once"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The captain of the big airliner comes on the PA system:

"Welcome aboard, folks! I've got good news and bad news."

"First, here's the bad news. We're lost!"

"Now, for the good news. We're making great time!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the check-in a customer has three bags. He puts them down and says to the
hostess: "I'd like you to send this one to Rio, that one to Sydney, and the
last one to Cape Town."

Her expression clouds over, but training takes over and she says: "I'm
afraid I can't do that sir."

His reply, "Why not! You did the last time I flew with you!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did O.J. stab his wife?
A: Because he checked his gun with his baggage and the airline lost it.

[The March Hare]

Fly The Funny Skies

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane..."

2. "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

3. "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing
of the airplane."

4. "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

5. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish,
but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

6. And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."

7. As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front
of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from
the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This
aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing. Any passenger not remaining in their seats until
the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

8. Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for
the rest of the flight."

9. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, bigfella... WHOA!"

10. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like children."

11. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

12. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

13. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of
them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendants' fault... it was the asphalt!"

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

17. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."

18. From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."

19. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small
children, decide now which one you love more."

20. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive."

21. "Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."

22. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a thanks for flying XYZ airline. He said
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land or were we shot down?"

23. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came
on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal."

24. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at USAirways."

25. Southwest Airlines has a policy against boring announcements. During a
flight from Sacramento to Vegas the safety lecture was: "If there is a
loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.
The bags will not fill with life giving oxygen until each of you has
paid each of us five dollars

[The March Hare]

Subject: FW: no comment



Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life--until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...nothing...only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

'I rowed from the other side of the island,' she says. 'I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he says. 'You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this?' replies the woman. 'I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, but, that's impossible,' stutters Ed. 'You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replies the woman. 'On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' Ed is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place,' she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?'

'No, no, thank you.' he says, still dazed. 'Can't take any more coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' the woman replies. 'I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,

'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.'

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. 'Wow! This woman is amazing!' he muses, 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know...' She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing: 'You mean---', he swallows excitedly, 'I can check my email from here?!' rom paul

[The March Hare]

Nice, Imported Sports Car

The work of a certain timid but thorough law clerk was valued for its
precision, so soon he was making money to buy himself a nice imported sports
car. Not long afterwards he had the misfortune to get lost in the worst
part of town, and when he stopped at a red light a huge, mean guy hauled him
out of the driver's seat. Drawing a circle around him on the pavement, the
hoodlum told him not to set foot out of it unless he wanted a beating.

The delinquent proceeded to demolish the car, starting with the headlights
and windows, when he heard the law clerk giggling. He moved on to the body
and engine, but in between crashes he couldn't help hearing gales of
laughter. Finally, crowbar in hand, he came over to his victim and
demanded, "What you laughing about? Your fancy car's never gonna run
again."

"So?" the clerk gasped helplessly, tears running down his face. "Ever since
you started tearing up my car, I've been stepping in and out of this circle,
in and out, in and out..."

[The March Hare]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE


Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real
sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today....When I
feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I
feel great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house."

[The March Hare]

!

Corvette And Ferrari

There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every
weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway's made it by there by 2PM.

One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from
exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he
needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not,
but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?

"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I've got a rope in the back and
we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."

The man says, "Ok!"

They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell BEEP BEEP if I'm going
to fast."

No problem the man thinks.

They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eye's widen
in fright. Sure enough, the light changes and THEIR OFF!

Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.

Meanwhile, at the local police dept...

"Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a 'Vette
just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street."

"What's so weird about that?" asks the other cops.

The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming
BEEP BEEP and trying to pass

[The March Hare]

Senior Citizen Driver

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be
careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them

[The March Hare]

Mercedes Benz Driving Test

1. Before changing lanes you should:
(A) signal.
(B) check.
(C) both a & b.
(D) just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.

2. The top light on a traffic signal is:
(A) red.
(B) yellow.
(C) green.
(D) Who cares, it doesn't apply to me anyway.

3. The speed limit in a residential area is:
(A) 35 MPH.
(B) 25 MPH.
(C) 45 MPH.
(D) I paid $65,000 for this car, I'll drive as fast as I want.

4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
(A) slow to a walking pace.
(B) go around the block.
(C) stop.
(D) speed up and honk your horn.

5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you
should:
(A) maintain your speed.
(B) slow a little.
(C) slow a lot.
(D) speed up and don't bother honking your horn.

6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane:
(A) never.
(B) when there is a left turn arrow.
(C) on Sunday at 2 A.M.
(D) When ever you well feel like it.

7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you:
(A) must stop.
(B) may pass on the left after checking.
(C) may pass after slowing to 5 MPH.
(D) use your car phone to order chinese food while passing on the left.

8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should:
(A) pull to the right and stop.
(B) pull into the nearest car wash.
(C) roll down your windows.
(D) turn up the radio and ignore it.

9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station:
(A) never.
(B) when the doors are closed.
(C) if there are no police around.
(D) when you have missed your turn.

10. When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you should:
(A) relax.
(B) watch the signal.
(C) stop a safe distance back from the car in front.
(D) call your wife/secretary on your car phone so everyone can see that
you have a car phone.

11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal:
(A) two blocks before turning.
(B) two car lengths before turning.
(C) two miles before turning.
(D) what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I'll sue him.

12. A U-turn in a business district is legal:
(A) only at an intersection.
(B) always.
(C) never.
(D) if I pass a sale at the jewelers.

13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted:
(A) never.
(B) on Sunday.
(C) if there is a fire hydrant.
(D) when I'll only be there for five minutes.

14. What is your annual gross income:
(A) $10,000-20,000.
(B) $20,000-40,000.
(C) $40,000-80,000.
(D) $80,000 and up.


Scoring
If you answered 'd' on every question, you have a perfect score. You are
certified to drive a Mercedes Benz Automobile. You may, at your discretion,
proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select the
Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice.

If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may request a
retest in two weeks time. Please study the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle
guide in preparation for your retest.

If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we're sorry, you
just don't have the proper attitude to be a Mercedes Benz Automobile driver.
Perhaps you should consider a BMW.

Thank you for your interest in Mercedes Benz Automobiles

[The March Hare]

A New Kind Of Car

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.

"Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his
co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln,
hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years to life."

[The March Hare]

Boy Who Wants To Use His Parent's Car

A teenage boy had just received his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father
took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You
bring your grades up, study the Bible a little and get your hair cut and
we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they
could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where
his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your
grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your
hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking
about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had
long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied..."Yes, and they WALKED every where they went

[The March Hare]

Doggie Funeral

This rich man died and left in his will that when his dog died he was to have a funeral and who ever did the funeral would get a million dollars.

When the dog died--the executor started asking various faiths of the cloth if they would do the funeral. All refused. Finally he asked this old country preacher if he would do the funeral. "Why Brother--I don't do dogs funerals!"

"OK" the executor replied, "But the one who does this funeral gets a fat one million dollars!". The preacher replied "Now wait a Minute --- you didn't tell me this dog was a Christian

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope you are all aware of the christmas present guidelines issued by the EEC.

List of all the Christmas related things that must be banned before someone gets hurt:

* Advoquat. Hideously fattening; leads to coronary artery disease. When "spiked" it incites the drinker to turn to more dangerous holiday beverages, including mulled wine, hard cider and sherry.
* Decorations. Broken glass ornaments can lead to fatal bleeding in hemophiliacs. Strings of lights offer unusual electrocution opportunities. Extravagant outdoor lighting displays can cause car pileups on the street and/or blindness. Live animals in a manger might bite children.
* Carols. Hypothermia risk. Certain high notes are hard to hit, causing embarrassment, stress and other harbingers of early death. Religious themes of carols could prove offensive to some listeners and inadvertently trigger a clash of civilizations.
* Sledging. Involves a kinetic event that would more properly be described as skidding. Any close analysis will reveal that sleds not only have poor traction but are expressly designed to have minimal grip on a slick surface. Should be every bit as illegal as dangling a baby from a balcony.
* Hearths. The ultimate fire hazard. People often use them to have open fires, complete with exploding embers that can land on furniture, on heavily gelled hair or even on a small furry pet that could suddenly go FOOF! and turn into the Yowling Fireball of Doom.
* Artificial Christmas trees. Essex County assistant fire chief Mike Reilly, defending the ban on cut trees, said Tuesday: "I just put up my nine-foot artificial tree. I don't think it's a major inconvenience when you look at the risks." Obviously, plastic Christmas trees are growing to enormous size these days, and anyone who stands under a nine-foot colossus runs the risk of being crushed.
* Gifts. Small gifts are a choking hazard. Large gifts lead to hernias. Coal in the stocking of a person who has been bad poses a severe fire risk. CDs have wrapping that requires the use of knives and scissors in a manner that can lead to the loss of a finger. Shopping leads to excessive debt, anxiety and compensatory high-risk behaviors such as smoking, heavy drinking and attempted gift returns. Improper gift-buying, such as when a well-meaning male gives his sweetheart something unromantic, like a Dustbuster, or a 52-piece socket set, or a jumbo can of Dr. Scholl's Foot Deodorant Spray, can lead to domestic violence.
* Mistletoe. The number of unwanted pregnancies resulting from the placement of mistletoe on the ceiling and over doorways has never been properly calculated, but is surely astronomical. Tongues are a choking hazard.
* Shopping Center Santas. A strange man wearing a disguise who asks small children to sit in his lap. You make your own judgment!.
* Reindeer. Lyme disease carriers.
* Elves. Ideology and political allegiance unknown. Terror risk?"