Clean Jokes

[The March Hare]

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the
first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun
when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said
the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from
running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof
but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did
yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No
one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not
exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining
room skylight

[The March Hare]

Subject: h



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25 signs that you have grown up!!!


1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of anual holidays time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those d**n kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time a night club closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14.You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the chemist for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A £4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply

[The March Hare]

!

A Round Of Golf

Three men went out to play a round of golf, Moses, Jesus and an old man. Moses tee'd off first, and the ball landed in the water. He parted the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie.

Jesus tee'd off next, and the ball landed in the water. He then walked on the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie.

Lastly the old man tee'd off, but before the ball could hit the water, a fish jumped out and caught the ball in it's mouth. Then an eagle swooped down and caught the fish. Lightening then struck near the eagle, frightening it, and it dropped the fish. When the fish hit the ground, it dropped the ball in for a perfect hole in one

[The March Hare]

Praying and Playing

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years

[The March Hare]

The Best Man

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. They found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."

His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a boy to propose to a girl. But, regardless of how you said it, I accept!"

[The March Hare]

Fore-lorn

A man loved to play golf. It was the one activity he looked forward to every week. One Saturday, he returned home from a scheduled three-some much earlier than his wife expected. She asked him why he was home so early.

"Do you want to play golf with someone who whines about every shot, complains about everything on the course, and makes noises when you're trying to make an important shot?", he asked.

"No, I don't," answered his wife.

"Neither did they!"

[The March Hare]

Dumb Jock

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

[The March Hare]

Is He Dead

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what

[The March Hare]

Baseball In Heaven

Pat and Mike, both in their 90's, had played professional baseball together and, after they retired, had remained close friends. Pat suddenly fell deathly ill. Mike visited Pat on his deathbed. After they talked a while and it became obvious that Pat had only a few more minutes to live, Mike said, "Listen old friend. After you die, try and get a message back to me. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

With his dying breath, Pat whispers, "If God permits, I'll do my best to get you an answer."

A few days after Pat died, Mike is sleeping when he hears Pat's voice.

Pat says, "Mike, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, yes, there IS baseball in heaven. The bad news is, you're scheduled to pitch the top half of tomorrow's double-header."

[The March Hare]

Fishing In Florida

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em

[The March Hare]

Maria had just got married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man..
Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."
So,up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt And exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.".........
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"........."Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs....... "Mama, Mama, Tony's only got a foot and a half !"

Her mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta".

[The March Hare]

The Amazing Golf Ball

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.

"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"

The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."

Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."

"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"

The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"

"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

The other guy replies, "I found it."

[The March Hare]

:

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Enjoy!

Smart man + Smart woman = Romance
Smart man + Dumb woman = Affair
Dumb man + Smart woman = Marriage
Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + Smart employee = Profit
Smart boss + Dumb employee = Production
Dumb boss + Smart employee = Promotion
Dumb boss + Dumb employee = Overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK
CAN HANDLE IT.

[The March Hare]

There was a blonde whose house was on fire. She called the fire
department and asked them to come put it out.

When they asked how to get to her house, she rolled her
eyes and said... "Duh, use the big red truck

[The March Hare]

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A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

[The March Hare]

Aviation 101

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick
back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back - then they
get bigger again)

[The March Hare]

An exhibitionist had booked an a flight from New York to London on British
Air. At the departure lounge, the man stood nervously near the boarding
gate, waiting for the flight to be called. When the PA announcement was
finally made, he walked briskly up the jetway. At the end of the jetway
stood a stewardess, collecting tickets. When it was his turn to hand over
his ticket, he opened his coat and exposed himself.

With typical British reserve the stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir, but you
must to show your ticket and boarding pass here, not your stub."

[The March Hare]

Share this with a friend!

You Know You're A Pilot When...

You're driving along in your car and you look for emergency landing spots.

Every time you hear an airplane, you have to look up or look out the window
to see what's flying over... and then wish you were up there with 'em!

You get in your car, put the key in the ignitions, and reach for the
checklist.

You drive off a cliff, and your last words are, "Gear up!"

You pull back when you reach 60 mph.

You start up a steep hill and pull back on the wheel.

You know you're a Cherokee pilot when you apply the parking brake as you
turn into your driveway.

The weather sucks, so you stay inside poring over sectionals and
occasionally telling your SO: "Hey, you know where we should go?"

You turn on the "pitot heat" in cold, damp weather only to find you've just
pulled the knob off your car radio.

You are shocked back to reality when your car doesn't turn left as you
depress the clutch pedal.

It scares you when your "airspeed" indicator says "75" and you're still on
the ground.

You swerve into the oncoming lane to keep from hitting your "wingtip" on a
light pole.

You find yourself "maintaining the centerline" as you drive down a country
road where the two lanes are separated by a single yellow line.

One of your non-flying friends says, "Can't you say just one complete
sentence that does not have to do with flying?" (And you can't.)

When you start driving with the car centered on the solid yellow lines.

Every time you see a bird in the corner of the windscreen you check for
possible conflict of flight paths.

You hit the brake in your car when you turn left and accelerate when you
turn right.

When you get into the passenger seat and wonder what's missing.

You know you're a pilot when you sit in the passenger seat and look at the
sky. Especially if you see a news chopper and call out "Traffic, 2 o'clock
high, helo." You know a pilot is driving if (s)he looks for it.

Someone pulls right out in front of you in traffic and your first instinct
is to pull back on the the wheel!

You yell "Clear" before starting your car.

You turn your car 45 degrees to the stop sign and "clear the approach"
before proceeding into the intersection.

To slow down, you find you've pulled the cigarette lighter out.

As you get within 5 miles of your destination you want to call for clearance
into the "airspace."

Instead of asking your wife for a "quickie", you ask for a "hop around the
patch."

While in the car, you turn the Radio Station to figure out where you are.

You only connected to cable so you can get "The Weather Channel", and are a
little aggravated that you have to pay extra for all those channels you
don't ever watch.

At least 1/3 of the bookmarked web sites on your computer are weather
related.

You're on a "first name" basis with the folks at the FSS.

You carry a "leatherman" in your purse in case you have to loosen a
"to-tight" dipstick during preflight. (most applicable to female pilots)

Your secretary has to call you by your tail number to get your attention.

You answer the phone "N1234Z, go ahead."

You get a letter that contains jargon you don't understand-- and reply with
a written IFR clearance, going on to explain that you don't understand what
they are talking about any more than they understood your first paragraph.
(It works... They usually call you, clarify the issue... then ask what all
that stuff meant. You occasionally get another pilot, in which case you not
only get your business done, but spend a great few minutes hangar flying!)

You ask for "crew quarters" when you check into a hotel.

You carry your sectionals with you when you travel commercial.

You can't leave the TV on during sex because anything televised with an
airplane flying in it will interrupt your concentration.

You step on the gas peddle when making right turns, trying to make the turn
coordinated.

When accelerating, step on the gas even more to counter the left yaw
tendency.

Make sure the radio is off when starting the engine.

Ask the heavier passenger to sit in the front seat of your car to ensure
proper CG.

You try to pull on the steering wheel as you accelerate from a stop sign.

Free the gear at the stop sign and maintain the gas pedal at 1200rpm to
prevent the spark plugs from fouling.

Wonder why there are no 'max cruise', 'econ cruise' and 'normal cruise'
speeds published in the manual.

Step on the clutch and gas pedal simultaneously in order to slow the craft
down.

Test your foot brakes before you set off and expect your front passenger to
do likewise.

Tell others never to drive below 50 on the speedometer.

Your pals ask for a spin and you tell them that your car is not designed to
do so.

Drive 500ft behind a trailer for fear of its wake turbulence.

Knock into another vehicle and yet continue driving cos' that is driver's
No. 1 priority.

You tell all your passengers to disembark your car when refueling at the gas
station.

How about when you're driving down the road and your family calls traffic
alerts every time they see another plane? And adds "traffic no factor" when
appropriate.

Your other friends don't call when the weekend weather forecast is good.

If you fall asleep at parties your friends put a buzzing alarm clock in your
ear to watch you jump as you have a nightmare about the stall warning going
off.

You have your car window lever re-mounted on the inside roof of the car,
just to the right of your head.

Your have named your children Orville, Wilbur, and Chuck, and the cat's name
is Biggles.

The driveway to your house has lights down the side and a thresh-hold
painted at the end.

You start filling your car tires with nitrogen.

When you start treating lane markers as centerlines.

[The March Hare]

Pilot's Hell

The following joke appeared in Reader's Digest:

Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where he
found a hideous devil and three doors. The devil was busy escorting other
pilots to various "hell rooms."

"I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a thingypit where the
pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks. He slammed
that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights
flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another. Unable to
imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed
to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants answering to a
captain's every whim. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the
devil reappeared.

"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's flight
attendants'

[The March Hare]

To Fly One Must Know The Rules

The Following Are Actual Laws From A Variety Of Places In The United States

Excerpts from PRIVATE PILOT, November 1987


It is against the law for a pilot to tickle a female flying student under her
chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.
-Columbia, Pennsylvania

It is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts to pilot
or ride in an airplane. - Pocataligo, Georgia

Lingerie can't be hung on a clothesline at the airport unless the undies are
carefully hidden from prying eyes by a "suitable screen".
- Kidderville, New Hampshire

No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this state unless
she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed with a club. The
Provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90
pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.
- Kentucky

It is a violation of local law for any pilot or passenger to carry an ice
cream cone in their pocket while either flying or waiting to board a plane.
- Lowes Crossroads, Delaware

Pilots and passengers are prohibited from eating onions between the hours of
7am and 7pm. - Bluff, Utah

Citizens are not allowed to enter an airplane within four hours of eating
garlic. - Wakefield, Rhode Island

No female wearing a nightgown can be taken for a flight on a private plane.
- Headland, Alabama

It is against the law to eat ice cream in the local airport with a fork.
- Bicknell, Tennessee

No married man can go flying on Sunday. - Burdoville, Vermont

No married man can go flying without his spouse along at any time, unless he
has been married for more than 12 months. - West Union, Ohio

No one can play cards on the airport grounds with a woman, a child, or an
Indian. - White Horse, New Mexico

No one - man, woman, or child - can be seen flying while barefoot.
- Fairplay, Colorado

Don't let your horse fall asleep in the airport. - Peewee, West Virginia

Women who are single, widowed, or divorced are banned from parachuting on
Sunday. - Crawford, Nebraska

No turtle races shall be held at the airport. - Bourbon, Mississippi

People cannot play checkers at the airport, "lest they acquire a tast for
gambling". - Clearbrook, Minnesota

Citizens cannot carry a slingshot on an airplane without special permission.
- Okanogan, Washington

No pilot can eat unshelled roasted peanuts or watermelon while flying.
- Leadwook, Missouri

No person is allowed to read the Sunday paper while sitting in a chair at the
airport while church services are going on. - Upperville, Virginia

No flyer may wear a pair of pants with hip pockets while flying.
- Guyman, Oklahoma

Gargling is prohibited while flying. - Hackberry, Arizona

Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited.
- Halstead, Kansas

It is against the law to sneeze in an airplane. - Lynch Heights, Delaware

No flying instructor "can place his arm around a woman without a good and
lawful reason" (while flying). - Rock Springs, Wyoming

Juggling in front of an airplane is illegal. - Wellsboro, Pennsylvania

Roosters may crow, only if it is done at least 300 feet from the airport.
- Stugis, Michigan