Clean Jokes

[The March Hare]

Directions For Adam And Eve

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.'

Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?' So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, 'Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable.'

And the Lord replied, 'Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve.' And Adam said, ' 'What is a 'caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.' And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.' And Adam asked, 'What is 'make love' Lord?'' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, 'Lord, what is a 'headache'?'

[The March Hare]

Top Ten President Clinton Tips for Keeping the Romance in Your Marriage

10. Make sure every hundredth woman you sleep with is your wife.
9. No matter how tasty it looks, don't eat her lipstick.

8. Buy her FTD's 'Sorry About My Many Affairs' bouquet.

7. Remember, your kisses taste sweeter when your mouth is full of donuts.

6. Renew each other's membership in the Air Force One mile-high club.

5. Take Paula Jones off your speed dial.

4. Keep gaining weight until each of your thighs is the size of that dreamy Leonardo DiCaprio.

3. Candle-lit dinner at local 'Hooters.'

2. Try not to preface sex with, 'All right, let's get this over with.'

1. A little dab of ketchup behind each ear

[Emma]

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his
grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in
bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and
went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's
Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again
the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went
out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked
his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied
"they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh
and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you
they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on
here?"

The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my
bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

[Emma]

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later,
"Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of
water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes
later... "Da-aaad...." "What??" "I'm Thirsty!Can I have a drink
of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank
you!" Five minutes later......"DAAAA-AAAAD......" "WHAT!!" "When
you come in to spank me...can you bring a drink of water?"

[Emma]

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was
tucking a small boy into bed. As she was about to turn off the
light he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said " I have to sleep in
Daddy;s room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."

[Emma]

During the Sunday morning service all the children were invited
to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly
pretty dress, and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and
said "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The
little girl replied, directly into the pastors clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my mommy says it's a b*tch to iron."

[Emma]

Finding one of her students making faces at the others on the
playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I
was told tha if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and it would
stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith,
you can't say you weren't warned."

[Emma]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".

13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at
St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Emma]

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

At a dry cleaners: "Drop your pants here."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you
coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your
nose?"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're
looking for,
you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll
wait."

[Emma]

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling
event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for
the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's
trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the
research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match
because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't
let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each
other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the
Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him
up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up
from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for
he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

Suddenly there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the
trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up
in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the
American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and
winning the match.

The trainer is astounded! When he finally gets the American
wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold?
No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answers, "Well, I
was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the
last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right
in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my
last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those
babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you
get when you bite your own balls!"

[Emma]

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case
of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why
don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will
bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you
got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right,
Get in."

[Emma]

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the
first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun
when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said
the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from
running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof
but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did
yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No
one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not
exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining
room skylight."

[marmaris98]

what do you call a man jokes:
with a spade in his head............................doug
without a spade in his hesd........................dougless
stuck down a rabbit hole................................warren
with a slice of bacon on his head.......................hamed
with two.............................................................mohamed
with spots on his face.........................................rachid
thats enough for now

[marmaris98]

david beckham at a press conference...... "i like them because they taste nice and make my breath smell good". reporter shouts back, " TACTICS you thick sh**!
(sorry david i love you really)

[The March Hare]

Subject: Job application


A guy applies for a job at a new South African government department.

The interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

"Yes." the guy says, "... a landmine blew my testicles away."

"O.K. you're hired." the interviewer announces. "Working hours are from

8 till 5 o'clock. Make sure you're here by 10 every morning."

Puzzled, the guy says "8 till 5? Why do you want me to come in only at

10?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says.

"The first two hours we just sit around scratching our

balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[The March Hare]

Sayings to wear on buttons

RELATIONSHIP BUTTONS
1. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
2. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
3. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
4. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

GENERAL LIFE
5. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
6. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
7. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
8. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

OFFICE BUTTONS
10. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
11. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
13. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

GREAT INSULT BUTTONS
14. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
15. You! Off my planet

[The March Hare]

He's a little slow

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, I was a strapping young fellow, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

[The March Hare]

Which gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick the gift you'd most like to receive.

1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron

After you've selected, scroll down...

1. CANDY
It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share.
OR
You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything, even true love.

2. FLOWERS
It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture.
OR
You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.

3. A SWEET POEM
It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
OR
You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.

4. SEX
It means that... You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful.
OR
You're a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience after another.

5. DINNER/DANCING
It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight.
OR
You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.

6. WAFFLE IRON
It means that... You're a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use.
OR
You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen appliances

[Emma]

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. A day without sunshine is like, night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember: half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it
remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. Eagles may soar, but dogs don't get sucked into jet engines.
17. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.
18. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
19. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her
friends?
21. The only substitue for good manners is fast reflexes.
22. Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have.
23. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
and going the wrong way.
24. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
25. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
26. Experience is something you don't get until after you need
it.
27. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
28. Bills travel though the mail at twice the speed of checks.
29. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
30. Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store
check-out line you're in will always take the longest.
31. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
32. Anything you buy will go on sale the next day.
33. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
34. The colder the x-ray table the more of you body is required
on it.
35. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the
softness of the bread.
36. The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your
ability to reach it.
37. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
38. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
39. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
40. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
41. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
42. The sooner you fall behine the more time you'll have to
catch up.
43. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
44. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
45. Get a new car for you spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
46. Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.
47. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
48. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
49. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
50. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

[The March Hare]

Calling in Sick

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"