|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 1, 2005 8:37:35 GMT 1
Margaret Thatcher And Her Cabinet At Lunch
Margaret Thatcher and her Cabinet were meeting over lunch to discuss an
important bit of impending legislation.
"And what will you have, Madam?" asked the waiter, approaching over with his
notepad.
"I'll have the Beef Wellington," replied the Prime Minister promptly, eager
to get on with the business at hand.
"And, for the vegetables?" continued the waiter politely.
Thatcher replied briskly, "They'll have the same."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 1, 2005 8:39:27 GMT 1
Application Form For Politicians
Application Form To Be Filled For Contesting Indian Elections ----------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Name of Candidate : _______________________
2. Present Address
(i) Name of Jail : _______________________
(ii) Cell Number : _______________________
3. Political Party : _______________________ (List ONLY the Last Five parties in the Chronological (Order)
4. Sex: [ ]
A - Male
B - Female
C - Mayawati
5. Nationality: [ ]
A - Italian
B - Indian
6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
A - Defected
B - Expelled
C - Bought out
D - None of above
E - All of above
7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
A - To make money
B - To escape court trial
C - To grossly misuse power
D - To serve the public
E - I have no clue (if you choose "D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recognized Government Psychiatrist)
8. How many years of public service experience do you possess?
A - 1-2 yrs
B - 2-6yrs
C - 6-15yrs
D - 15+yrs
9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many Additional Sheets as you want)
10. How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ] (Do not confuse with question 8)
A - 1-2 years
B - 2-6 years
C - 6-15 years
D - 15+years
11. Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]
A - Why not
B - Of Course
C - Definitely
D - I deny it all
E - I see a foreign hand.
12. What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]
A - 100-500 Crores
B - 500-1000 Crores
C - Overflow... (Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees)
13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ]
A - No
B - No
C - No
D - No
14. Describe your achievements in space provided: [_________]
Thumb Impression of candidate (Not that of the person who filled the form)
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 1, 2005 8:42:27 GMT 1
!
Al Gore Jokes
The only reason that Al Gore debated Ross Perot so passionately on behalf of
the NAFTA was because he thought Manual Labor was the president of Mexico.
Q: Why does Al Gore work so late every night?
A: So he won't need retraining every morning.
Q: Why hasn't Al Gore ever played hide and seek?
A: No one will look for him.
Q: Know what's written on the top wrung of Al Gore's ladder?
A: "STOP"
Q: What's the difference between Al Gore's charisma and UFOs?
A: UFOs have been sighted.
Q: What happened on the Larry King show that put a gleam in Al Gore's eyes?
A: Larry stuck a flashlight in Al's ear.
Q: Why did Al Gore stare at the can of frozen orange juice for over 2 hours?
A: It said concentrate.
Q: Why was Al Gore careful to have only 4 kids?
A: Because he knows that one out of every five babies born in the world
today is Chinese.
Q: How does Al Gore change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't. The old ones are already part of the environment and,
besides, he can use them in his darkroom.
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 1, 2005 8:43:24 GMT 1
Nelson Mandela
Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A
Japanese deliveryman is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of
car exhausts in the driveway and yelling: "you sign, you sign."
The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door.
The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's
nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting: "you sign, you
sign."
Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads
of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods.
Mandela loses his temper and yells: "look, I don't want these. Do you
understand? You have the wrong name."
Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks: "You not Nissan
Maindealer
|
|
|
|
Post by Emma on Dec 1, 2005 20:59:04 GMT 1
In a small aeroplane there were four people: the pilot, the
Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker.
They were flying over mountains when suddenly the pilot burst
through the doors to the passenger compartment and announced
that there was a fuel leakage and the plane would crash in 5
minutes.
"There are only three parachutes I'm afraid," he said, as he
hurredly grabbed one for himself and jumped out. That left the
three passengers and two parachutes.
Bill Gates said, "I'm very important, and I'm the world's
smartest man and I deserve to live." And with that he grabbed a
pack and leaped out.
"Young man," said the Pope to the hitchhiker, "I am old, I have
lived my life and it was a very good one. You're still young,
please take the last parachute and save yourself. My life is in
the hands of God."
"It's okay," said the hitchhiker. "Don't worry, we have a
parachute each."
"How can that be?" asked the Pope.
"Well, the world's smartest man just jumped out with my
backpack!"
|
|
|
|
Post by Emma on Dec 1, 2005 21:00:38 GMT 1
One day a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a
street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper
grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance
at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the
gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning before the crowd arrives the mime puts on the gorilla
suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep
all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger crowds than
he ever did as a mime on the street.
However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires of just swinging
on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the
lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles
from the top of the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and
gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips
and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares
to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help! Help me!"
The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion.
The lion says, "Shut up you idiot or we'll both lose our jobs!"
Category: Animals
Rating: G
By: Sam ze Chef
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 2, 2005 8:38:39 GMT 1
Stranded
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
ONE MONTH LATER on the beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
* The 1st Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.....
* The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"....
* The 2 German men have a rigid weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman....
* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman....
* The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex was in the picture, because it got sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 2, 2005 8:39:42 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cup Final seat
A man has tickets for the Cup final. After he has been sitting in
his seat for a few minutes, the man in the seat behind him taps him
on the shoulder and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to
him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"Absolutely incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the Cup Final, one of the great
sporting events, and not use it?"
"Well actually," he says, "the seat belonged to my wife. She was
supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first
Cupfinal we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," replies the man. "That's terrible.
But couldn't you find someone else to take the seat? A friend or
relative, or even a neighbour?"
The man shakes his head and says, "No, they're all at the funeral
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 2, 2005 8:41:01 GMT 1
I don't want to go to school!
Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
"But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
"One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me,"
"Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school,"
"Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?"
"One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 2, 2005 8:42:10 GMT 1
h
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked!
The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, " Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral is Tuesday morning at 10:00
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 2, 2005 8:43:23 GMT 1
Thinking his way through the problem
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 2, 2005 17:02:17 GMT 1
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but pregnant dog since you got here."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 2, 2005 17:04:25 GMT 1
bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public
places about&n bsp;our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 2, 2005 17:05:29 GMT 1
»
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,went on holidays,drank martinis
always had a clean house, never had to cook, had s*x with whomever she pleased and f*rted whenever she wanted.
THE END
|
|
|
|
Post by sickgirl3 on Dec 2, 2005 21:56:09 GMT 1
That's the funniest thing I'vre heard in ages!
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 3, 2005 9:00:14 GMT 1
How to speak about women and be PC
1 She is not a BABE, BIRD or CHICK - She is a Breasted Citizen
2 She is not EASY - She is Horizontally Accessible
3 She is not DUMB - She is a detour off the Information Superhighway
4 She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion
5 She is not an Airhead - Her Reality is Impaired
6 She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets Chemically Inconvenienced
7 She is not HORNY - She is Sexually Focused
8 She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is Medically Enhanced
9 She does not NAG you - She is just Verbally Repetitive
10 She is not a very *friendly* person - She is Sexually Extroverted
11 She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is Pectorally Superior
12 She is not a TWO BIT SLAPPER - She is a Low Cost Service Provider
How to speak about Men and be PC
1 He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a Liquid Storage
Facility
2 He is not a BAD DANCER - He is Overly Caucasian
3 He does not GET LOST - He Investigates Alternative Destinations
4 He is not BALDING - He is in Follicle Regression
5 He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He has Age Rationality Differential
6 He doesn't get WASTED - He becomes Accidentally Horizontal
7 He does not act like a TOTAL ARSE - He develops Rectal Cranial
Inversion
8 He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has Swine Empathy
9 He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is Monogamously Challenged
10 He is not a WANKER - He is an Owner Operator
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 3, 2005 9:01:40 GMT 1
A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.
His friend says, "My feet are cold mate .
Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."
The guy goes upstairs,
and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.
"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 3, 2005 9:02:48 GMT 1
Setting it free....
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 3, 2005 9:06:34 GMT 1
!
Women's Insight
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. --- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. --- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. --- Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. --- Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. --- Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. --- Susie Loucks
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" --- Judy Tenuta
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. -- Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. --- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. --- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. --- Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. --- Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. --- Sue Kolinsky
I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. --- Dolly Parton
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? --- Wendy Liebman
"I think - therefore I'm single." --- Lizz Winstead
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher
"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." --- Margaret Atwood
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Dec 3, 2005 9:08:05 GMT 1
Educating Johnnie
Eight year old Johnnie came home from school one day. At the supper table he announced to his mother and father that tomorrow in school they were going to learn about sex education. The next evening at the dinner table Johnnie's mother asked, "Well Johnnie, what did you learn about sex education today?" Johnnie said, "I think the teacher said we should avoid inter-sections and buy condominiums."
|
|
