Clean Jokes

[The March Hare]

Subject: Fw: FW:Soap.....

> > >
> >
> > The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
> > hotel and one of its guests last year. The hotel ended up submitting the
> > letters to the Sunday Times.
> >
> >
> > ******************************************************************
> >
> >
> > Dear Maid,
> >
> >
> > Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
> > since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.
> >
> >
> > Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the
> > medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my
> > way.
> >
> >
> > Thank you,
> >
> >
> > S. Berman
> >
> >
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> > Dear Room 635,
> >
> >
> > I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her
> > day off.
> >
> >
> > I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
> >
> >
> > The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your
> > Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
> >
> >
> > This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
> > management are to leave 3 soaps daily.
> >
> >
> > I hope this is satisfactory.
> >
> >
> > Kathy, Relief Maid
> >
> >
> > -----------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> > Dear Maid
> >
> >
> > I hope you are my regular maid.
> >
> >
> > Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
> > little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found
you
> > had added 3 little Camay's to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
> >
> >
> > I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
> > bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camay's,
which
> > are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.
> >
> >
> > Please remove them.
> >
> >
> > S. Berman
> >
> >
> > -----------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> > Dear Mr Berman,
> >
> >
> > The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
> > called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service.
> >
> >
> > I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my
> > apologies for any past inconvenience.
> >
> >
> > If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my
> > personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
> >
> >
> > Thank you.
> >
> >
> > Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
> >
> >
> > -----------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> > Dear Miss Carmen,
> >
> >
> > It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
> > business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's
the
> > reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
only
> > asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of
> > soap.
> >
> >
> > The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in
today,
> > since she left other 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along
> > with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.
> >
> >
> > In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are
you
> > doing this to me?
> >
> >
> > S. Berman
> >
> >
> > -----------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> > Dear Mr Berman,
> >
> >
> > Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room
> > and to remove the extra soaps.
> >
> >
> > If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8
AM
> > and 5 PM.
> >
> >
> > Thank you,
> >
> >
> > Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
> >
> >
> > -----------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> > Dear Mr Kensedder,
> >
> >
> > My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing.
> >
> >
> > Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size
> > Imperial Leather.
> >
> >
> > I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4
little
> > Cashmere Bouquets.
> >
> >
> > S. Berman
> >
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> > Dear Mr Berman,
> >
> >
> > I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
> >
> >
> > I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids
are
> > instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
> >
> >
> > The situation will be rectified immediately.
> >
> >
> > Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
> >
> >
> > Martin L. Kensedder
> > Assistant Manager
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> > Dear Mrs Carmen,
> >
> >
> > Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
> >
> >
> > I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54
> > little bars of Camay. I want my one d**n bar of bath-size Imperial
> > Leather.
> >
> >
> > Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here?
> >
> >
> > All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
> >
> >
> > Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
> >
> >
> > S. Berman
> >
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> > Dear Mr Berman,
> >
> >
> > You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.
> >
> >
> > Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I
> > personally returned them. The 24 Camay's which had been taken and the 3
> > Camay's you are supposed to receive daily.
> >
> >
> > I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your
maid,
> > Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24
> > Camay's plus the 3 daily Camays.
> >
> >
> > I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial
> > Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your
> > room.
> >
> >
> > Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
> >
> >
> > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> > Dear Mrs Carmen,
> >
> >
> > Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
> >
> >
> > As of today I possess:
> >
> >
> > * On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and
1
> > stack of 2.
> >
> >
> > * On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
> >
> >
> > * On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
> > hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
> >
> >
> > * Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of
> > 2.
> >
> >
> > * In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
> >
> >
> > * On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly
used.
> >
> >
> > * On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camay's in 2 stacks of 3.
> >
> >
> > Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
> > neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than
> > 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is
not
> > in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
> >
> >
> > One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial
Leather,
> > which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
> > misunderstandings.
> >
> >
> > S. Berman
>

[The March Hare]

The Power of Women

There were 11 people hanging on to a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech on how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping

[The March Hare]

The Wit Of Ronald Reagan

In the Soviet Union, if you want to buy an automobile, there is a ten year
wait. And you have to put the money down ten years before you get the car.
So, there was this young fellow there that had finally made it, and he was
going through all the bureaus and agencies that he had to go through, and
signing all the papers, and finally got to the last agency where they put
the stamp on it. And then he gave them his money, and they said, "Come back
in ten years and get your car." And he said, "Morning or afternoon?" And
the man that had put the stamp on says, "we're talking about ten years from
now. What difference does it make?" He said, "The plumber is coming in the
morning."

It's no secret that I wear a hearing aid. Well, just the other day, all of
a sudden it went haywire. We discovered that the KGB had put a listening
device in my listening device!

Two Soviets were talking to each other. And one of them asked, "What's the
difference between the Soviet constitution and the United States
constitution? And the other one said, "That's easy. The Soviet
constitution guarantees freedom of speech and freedom of gathering. The
American constitution guarantees freedom after speech and freedom after
gathering."

It seems that they were having some trouble with speeders in the Soviet
Union, even though they don't have automobiles. So, an order was issued
that everyone, no matter who it was, caught speeding got a ticket. And one
day, General Secretary Gorbachev was coming out of his country home. He's
late getting to the Kremlin. So, he told his driver to get in the backseat
and he'd drive. And down the road he went, past two motorcycle policemen.
One of them took out after him. In just a few minutes, he was back with his
buddy. And the buddy said, "Well, did you give him a ticket?" And he said,
"No." He said, "You didn't? Why not? We're supposed to give everyone a
ticket." He said, "No, he was too important." "But", he said, "who was
it?" "Well," he said, "I couldn't recognize him. But his driver was
Gorbachev."

My favorite cartoon of the last few years was the one- right after we really
began rebuilding our military--- of two Russian generals. And one of them
was saying to the other, "I liked the arms race better when we were the only
ones in it."

(comments at a White House briefing on Foreign Policy) I was...wondering why
we don't get together more often. You know, it kind of reminds me of the
fellow who asked his friend what the problem really was: Ignorance or
apathy. And the friend responded, "I don't know and I don't care."

We have long since discovered that nothing lasts longer than a temporary
government program.

One of my favorite stories about the government had to do with an employee
who sat at a desk. And papers came to his desk; he had to read them and
determined where they were to go and initialed them and sent them on. And
one day, a classified document came there. But it came to him, so he read
it, and sent it on. Twenty-four hours later it came back to him with a note
attached that said, "You weren't suppose to see this. Erase your initials,
and initial the erasure."

I've always thought that the common sense and wisdom of the government were
summed up in a sign they used to have hanging on that gigantic Hoover Dam.
It said, "Government property. Do not remove."

[The March Hare]

Is Al Gore An Alien?

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed
on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, New Mexico, an incident they
say has been covered up by the military.

March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.

[The March Hare]

!

Eerie Similarities Between Kennedy And Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the shocker:
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

[The March Hare]

!

Hitler's Mistakes

The following began life as a Top Ten list of "Mistakes Made by Adolf
Hitler." it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class
of mine and soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid
and/or truly offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any
particular nationality (read, the French.) You'll have to excuse the fact
that some of them are rather obscure, but that's what happens when you get a
bunch of political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give
you...

Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler

1. Land War in Asia
2. Changed name from highly catchy 'Schickelgruber' to boring 'Hitler'
3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard
to instill trust among subjects
4. Not buying lifts for his shoes
5. Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
6. Failure to exploit Eva Braun
7. Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
8. Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image
9. Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan
10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
11. Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and
stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
12. Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
13. Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
14. Free beer in munitions plants
15. Lisp never corrected
16. Bad toupe
17. Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
18. Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
19. Fell asleep in staff meetings
20. Chose Italy as ally
21. Land War in Asia
22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
23. Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
24. Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably
like a bullseye from the air
25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
26. Never had fireside mass rallies
27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name
28. Used SS instead of LAPD
29. Admired Napoleon's strategy
30. Strong fondness for sauerkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him
constantly
31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little
country place in Hawaii
32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war
advice
33. Major theme in speeches -- "liebensraum, or "living room" -- widely
misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
34. Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess's pilot licence.
35. Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
36. Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word got
out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in
Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
37. Breast feeding for too long
38. Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR
39. Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch
40. Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own
escape.
41. Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland
42. Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion
of Soviet Union
43. Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power
44. Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords
45. Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined
credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited
for the punchline)
46. Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar
for "best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech
undermined image.
47. Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in
a can"
48. Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much embarrassment
when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the
"Oberdude"
49. Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The
U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a
wimp?"
50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
51. Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
52. Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the
last second
53. Failed to encourage tourism
54. Being born
55. Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
56. Alienated Chamberline at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on his
back
57. Kept Colonel Klink in command
58. Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled
threat

[The March Hare]

!

Cold War Dog Fight

At the height of the arms race, the Americans and Russians realized that if
they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole
world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with
one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the
world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world
and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and
gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years
came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage
needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange
animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the
Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly
last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the
Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian
dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the
American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's
neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one
bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We
don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for five years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the
world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund

[The March Hare]

!

Kennedy Jokes

Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when asked if he would consider ever running
for President?
A: He said he'd have to drive off that bridge when he got to it.

Q: Why were the Kennedys so happy about Arnold Schwartznegger marrying into
the family?
A: They're hoping they can create a bullet-proof Kennedy.

Q: Where does Teddy Kennedy go for vacation?
A: A different bar.

Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
A: An optimist...
Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as
half empty?
A: Teddy Kennedy

Q: Why does Teddy Kennedy keep all those empty liquor bottles around the
campaign office?
A: In case any non-drinkers drop by.

Q: What does the Teddy Kennedy office staff do when they need to refill the
petty cash drawer?
A: Turn in all of Teddy's empties.

Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
A1: Now John has brains on the outside of his pants too.

Q: What was Gary Hart's biggest mistake?
A: Not letting Teddy Kennedy drive Donna Rice home.

Q: What did Lee Harvey Oswald say to Michael Jordan?
A: Out the book-depository window, over the sign, through the governor,
nothing but neck...

A reporter asked Clinton if meeting the Pope was as exciting for him as his
much bally-hooyed meeting with JFK. Clinton replied "Well when I met the
Pope it was only his ring I had to kiss to stay in his good favor..."

Q: Why does his staff call Teddy Kennedy "Mr. Bookmark"?
A: He can most often be found wedged between two pages.

Q: What was the last thing on JFK's mind?
A: Jackie's dress.

Q: How many kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two: one to hold the lightbulb, and one to drink until the room spins.

In the early 70's, when VW still sold their beetle in the USA, they
were fond of bragging about how air tight they were. One of their ads
showed a beetle floating in the middle of a pond.
National Lamthingy ran the same picture with the caption: If Ted Kennedy
had driven a Volkswagen, he'd be president today!
When a law suit was threatened... by VW, National Lamthingy ran the
following retraction: Even if Ted Kennedy had driven a Volkswagen he
wouldn't be president today.

[The March Hare]

Al Gore Quotes

As if you needed any proof, our "unbiased" news media picked on Dan
Quayle but doesn't harp on or barely mention these "Goreisms"?

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance
from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there
are canals, we believe, & water. If there is water, that means there is
oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe,"

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in
this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in
this century." 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy
-- but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and
that one word is; 'to be prepared.'"

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the
future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have
a tremendous impact on history."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my
answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters
are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"As many of you know, I was very instrumental in the founding of the
Internet."

[The March Hare]

!

Marion Barry (The Mayor Of Washington D.C.) Quotes

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity
during this long period of increment weather."

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime
rate."

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can
I say? I'm a night owl."

"B____h set me up."

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's
Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no
less."

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of
gravity is racist."

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international
city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international
symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the
President's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to
kill me than who want to kill the President? I can assure you there are."

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were
the ultimate sacrifice."

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The
Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham
Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they
deem it necessary?"

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the
water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then?
WOULD IT!?!"

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent
man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man

[The March Hare]

Russian Leaders

A train is moving and suddenly stops 'cause there are no tracks in front.
What would each of the former Soviet leaders do:

Lenin would get everyone to get out of the train and work 200 hrs straight
until they figure something out.

Stalin would order everyone if 1st car shot and everyone else shot unless
they get the train moving by next morning.

Khrustchev -- take the tracks behind apart, put them in front.

Brezhnev -- shut the windows and order to rock the cars to make an
impression of movement.

Gorbachev --do nothing but everyone can get outside and yell real loud "we
ain't got the rails and not even any food in the restaurant car!"

Yeltsin -- have the army attack the Russian parliament and hope everyone
forgets about the train incident

[Emma]

A brunette, redhead, and a blonde are talking when the brunette

says,"I was looking through my daughters purse and I found

cigarettes. I didn't even know that she smoked." The redhead

then says,"Well I was looking through my daughters purse and I

found a joint. I didn't even know she did drugs." Lastly, the
blonde

says,"Well I was looking through my daughters purse and I found

condoms. I didn't even know that she had a willy!"

[Emma]

Three men where trying to cross a river when a genie appears and
grants them all a wish. The first guy wishes he could fly so he
could fly over the river. The genie grants his wish and he flies
over the river. The second guy wishes he was strong so he could
swim over the river. The genie grants his wish and he swims
across the river. The third guy wishes he was smart so he could
figure out how to get over the river. The genie thinks for a
little while and then the guy turns into a lady and walks over
the bridge.

[Emma]

There was a French man, a German man and an American man. They
were all travelling together on a far off island looking for
treasure. They soon ran into a group of canibals who wished to
eat them. The leader spoke up and said:

"Here, you may kill yourselves with a weapon of your choice,
then we shall eat you and save your skins to make our canoes."

The French man said "Here's to all the wine in Bordeaux, from my
wonderful country," then he shot himself in the head.

The German man said "Here's to all the beautiful women in my
beloved country," then he stabed himself through the heart.

The American said "Here's so that you can't make me into a
canoe," then he stabbed himself several times all over his body
with a fork.

[Emma]

Three men walked into a bar. You would think the third man would
notice.

[Emma]

Police captured a blonde,brunette and a redhead. They were about
to shoot them when the redhead yelled "Tornado!" The police
looked around and the redhead escaped. The police were furious
and once again said "3,2,1..." but the brunette hollered "Flood!"
She too got away. The police then said "3.2.1..." and the blonde
screamed "Fire" so they shot her.

[Emma]

Q.What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A.You pull the pin and throw it back!

[Emma]

Q:What do you call a guy with no legs in leaves?
A:Russel!

[Emma]

Jesus, Moses, and an old guy go golfing. Moses tee's off and
hits the ball in a lake. he says "its OK its OK" and goes over
and parts the waters. he hits the ball again and gets a hole in
2. then Jesus tee's off and the ball also goes in the lake. he
says "its ok itsok" and walks across the water and hits the ball
again and gets a hole in 2. then the old guy tee's off. the
ball flys into a rabbits mouth, and just as it goes in an eagle
swoops down and picks up the rabbit and flies off. as they pass
over the hole the rabbit spits out the ball and the old guy gets
a hole in 1. Moses turns to Jesus and says 'i hate it when your
dad plays"

[Emma]

What do you get if you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite!