Clean Jokes

[Emma]

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can
little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell
to his girlfriend, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

[Emma]

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and
she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand
and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? The man
replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice
try.'' The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her
lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you
think I am?'' The man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' The lady
says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' After lunch, she gets on
the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He
replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my
hand down her panties.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him
do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The
lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man
replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

[Emma]

There was a little boy who walked onto a public bus . The little
boy started raving on and on about the facts of life to the bus
driver .
He said "if my daddy were a bull and my mommy were a cow I'd be
a little bull . If my daddy was a monkey and my mommy was a
monkey I'd be a little monkey .If my daddy were a fish and my
mommy were a ..." when all of the sudden the bus driver got so
angered that he pulled the bus off the road and said to the boy
" what if your mommy was a prostatute and your daddy was
gay".The boy thinks for a momment and then states in a cute
little voice "I'd be a bus driver".

[The March Hare]

Intern Discussions

We have a big intern public folder at work, where all interns can post items
and discussions, I found this is very amusing:

Intern 1: Does anyone know where and how we can access a high quality
scanner and maybe even a photo quality 300dpi printer on campus?

Intern 2: Translation: Does anyone know where I can get access to the
necessary equipment for making a fake ID?

Intern 3: Don't jump to conclusions. He could just as well want it to scan
pornographic images.

Intern 4: Yes! The past few posts have made it perfectly clear! Intern 1
plans to scan pornographic images onto false identification cards!
This will allow him and his friends to:
1) Get into bars
2) Improve the quality of their appearance
3) Give bouncers something to look at besides a smug photo
4) Distract bouncers from the scotch tape edges
What a brilliant marketing move! Where can I buy stock in this
venture, Intern

[The March Hare]

!

Keys To Business Success

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with
documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for
important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're
heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look
like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads
of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that
you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like
work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail,
calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything
remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that
everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either.
When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense
is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving
valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter.
Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry
away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest
of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of
documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks
the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide.
If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll
need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she
arrives.

4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People
don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing--
they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to
live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice
mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch
hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're
being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening
incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will
greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that
doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is
"Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a
limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit
frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If
that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a
recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that
you are a hardworking employee in high demand

[The March Hare]

bob davis

p
Subject: FW: Barbie



One day a father leaves work and on his way home he remembers that it's
his
daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the
Barbie in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the
others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers:
Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and...
One of Ken's Friends

[The March Hare]

Last Name Only

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come
into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place
you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It
breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to
my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... that's all.
I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that
straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

[The March Hare]

Always Give 100% At Work


12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday

Works for me!

[The March Hare]

Business Owner Taking A Tour Of His Business

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how
things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man
leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a
day?"

The guy replies, "150 dollars."

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and
never come back.

A few minutes later,... the shipping clerk askes the owner, "Have you seen
that UPS driver? I asked him to wait here for me!"

[The March Hare]

Dilbert's Laws For Work

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and
what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool
about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the
boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a thingytail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is
supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good,
you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number
of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily be
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong.

[The March Hare]

Are You A Professional?

This quiz consists of four questions that tell whether or not you are
qualified to be a professional. The answers are below and there is no
reason to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to
think like a professional.

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS

1) How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?










The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put the giraffe in and close the door. This question
tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated manner.


2) How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?










Incorrect answer:
Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator.

Correct answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close
the door. This question tests your foresight.


3) The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend
except one. Which animal does not attend?










Correct answer:
The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This question tests if
you are capable of comprehensive thinking.


OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may
be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.


4) There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?










Correct answer:
Simply swim across. There cannot be any crocodiles in the river as they are
all attending the animal conference. The question tests your reasoning
ability.


So... if you answered four out of four correctly, you are a true
professional. Wealth and success await you.

If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do, but
there is hope for you.

If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper.

If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It is the
only way you will ever make any money.

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any
higher mental function at all, such as law, politics, or computer support

[The March Hare]

Whatever You want

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.

The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.

So God made him a woman!

[The March Hare]

!

Office Lingo In The Age Of The Internet

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed and who was responsible

Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on
anyone who doesn't work out obsessively

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands

Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles

Ego Surfing - Scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking
for references to one's own name

Elvis Year - The peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the
dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.

404 - Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located -- Don't
bother asking him, he's 404.

Idea Hamsters - People who always seem to have their idea generators running

Mouse Potato - The on-line generation's answer to the couch potato

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've
just made a big mistake

Prairie Dogging - Something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads
pop up over the walls to see what's going on

SITCOM - Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage

Stress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny

Tourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from
their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were
tourists."

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired

Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace

[The March Hare]

Rules For Work

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me,
advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the
door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and
opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be
injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it
could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular
in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In
fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with
useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know
anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer
to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change
your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to
know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about
having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being
such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have
been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living
increase. I'm not here for the money anyway

[The March Hare]

The Paper Shredder

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document
here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing
work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."

[The March Hare]

!

Guide To Safe Fax

Q: Do I have to be married to have safe FAX?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many people who fax
complete strangers every day.

Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and had to write
memos to each other until they wre 21. How old do you think someone
should be before they fax?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct
procedures.

Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax - Is this
legal?
A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay
a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q: Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be
used to insure safe faxing.

Q: What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely?
A: Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a
long time. Just start over (most people don't mind if you try again).

Q: I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A: Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with
each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

[The March Hare]

!

Son-In-Law Entering The Family Business

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man.
"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my
business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the
operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law, "Well, then you'll work in the office and
take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind
a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a
moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a
office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

[The March Hare]

!

Time To Take Over The Company

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off
in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and
one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales
department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to
vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over
the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

[The March Hare]

To: bob davis




The Car Broke Down

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right... get up and get your own blanket

[The March Hare]

Dogs are better than Women

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

Dogs don't criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.

Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.

You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late- the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

A dog's parents never visit