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Post by The March Hare on Nov 23, 2005 8:51:26 GMT 1
The Tax Man .................
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to
audit the books of a synagogue While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them
back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way "What about all these matzah purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?""Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzah balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and
about once a year they send us a complete thingy
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 23, 2005 8:53:52 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULES OF MANHOOD:
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After crashing your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When you have trapped your willie in your zip..
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag party may be legally killed
and eaten by his friends.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must get a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known aman for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friends fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering the date ofyour mates birthday is strictly
optional.
8: On a long trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
fart entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink an alcopop only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel ..and it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another man in the goolies.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear speedos ("banana hammocks"). Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch footie" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other fans.
17: A man in the company of a sexy, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last pie, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to bonk each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a set of spanners. End of story.
28: There is no reason for men to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever
« Last
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 23, 2005 8:56:24 GMT 1
> Subject: FW: Essex Girl
>
>
>>
>>
>>Hi Malcolm,
>>
>>
>>
>>> An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
>>>
>>> "How many children?" asks the council worker.
>>>
>>> "10" replies the Essex girl
>>>
>>> "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
>>>
>>> "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
>>> Wayne"
>>>
>>> "Doesn't that get confusing?"
>>>
>>> "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out
>>> playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY,
>>
>>> or WAAYNE
>> GO
>>> TO
>>> BED NOW and they all do it..."
>>>
>>> "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
>>> council worker.
>>>
>>> "That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"
>>>
>>>
>>> An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment
>>> on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress."
>>
>>> she says.
>>>
>>> "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
>>>
>>> "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
>>>
>>>
>>> Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
>>>
>>> The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
>>>
>>> She says "I'll take the red one."
>>>
>>> The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
>>>
>>>
>>> An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
>>> bleeding.
>>>
>>> The paramedics soon arrive on site.
>>>
>>> Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
>>> questions?"
>>>
>>> Girl: "OK"
>>>
>>> Medic: "What's your name?"
>>> Girl: "Sharon."
>>>
>>> Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
>>>
>>> Sharon: "Yes."
>>>
>>> Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
>>>
>>> Sharon: "Romford, mate."
>>>
>>> An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was
>>
>>> her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the
>>> news
>> that
>>> there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
>>>
>>> "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of
>>> them!"
>>>
>>> Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood
>>> everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car
>> till
>>> she's lying flat out on the floor.
>>>
>>> Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
>>>
>>> Sharon: "Ok."
>>>
>>> Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
>>>
>>> Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
>>>
>>> An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl
>>> notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
>>>
>>> She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz
>>> one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"
>>>
>>> So the Irish guy smiles,puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
>>>
>>> "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for
>>> me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"
>>>
>>> "Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave
>>> got C&A on them.
>>>
>>
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 23, 2005 8:57:17 GMT 1
Forgetful Husband
A frustrated wife tells her friend, "I want to divorce my husband because he
has a lousy memory!"
Her friend replies, "Why would you want to divorce him for that?"
The wife says, "Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting
that he's married!"
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 24, 2005 9:09:38 GMT 1
To: bob davis
!
Men and Women - Differences
While eating out and the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20 even though the bill is only $22.50. None will have anything smaller, and none will admit they want change back. When girls get the bill out come the calculators.
With money a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 dollar item she doesn't want.
In a bathroom a man has 6 items. A toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Holiday Inn. A women has on average 337 items in her bathroom. A man would not be able to identify most of these Items.
In arguments a woman has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beggining of a new argument.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking men kick cats.
A women worries about the future until she gets a husband. A husband doesn't worry about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, and read a book. A man will get dressed up for weddings and funerals.
A succsessful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 24, 2005 9:11:02 GMT 1
!
10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appt for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to someone to bear children because men would never be able to handle it.
4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone", he only ends up getting himself in trouble.
And the NUMBER ONE reason...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 24, 2005 9:12:58 GMT 1
Dogs are better than Men
Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you are gone.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs understand what "NO" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
When dogs play "fetch", they don't laugh at how you throw.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside.
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 24, 2005 9:14:09 GMT 1
Brain Transplant
In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, quite risky, and you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes for $20,000. A male brain costs $50,000."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why does the male brain cost so much more?"
The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said to the entire group,
"It's a standard pricing procedure. We mark the female brains down because they're used."
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 24, 2005 9:15:44 GMT 1
Questions for God
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 25, 2005 9:03:36 GMT 1
Water in the Carby
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 25, 2005 9:06:47 GMT 1
A Point of View
A n English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 25, 2005 9:08:18 GMT 1
Angry Wife Meets Her Husband At The Door
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath
and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very
good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast!"
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 25, 2005 9:09:49 GMT 1
Forgetful Husband
A frustrated wife tells her friend, "I want to divorce my husband because he
has a lousy memory!"
Her friend replies, "Why would you want to divorce him for that?"
The wife says, "Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting
that he's married!"
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 25, 2005 9:11:32 GMT 1
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teasthingy, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the sthingy or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug from the drain. Do you want a room with or without a view? "
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 25, 2005 9:12:50 GMT 1
Joys of Womanhood
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 26, 2005 8:41:50 GMT 1
Ladies First
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled the women to achieve this reversal of roles? Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 26, 2005 8:43:17 GMT 1
!
Happy to be a Guy
1) Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) You know stuff about tanks.
3) A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4) You can open all your own jars.
5) Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
6) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
7) You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
8) You can leave the motel bed unmade.
9) You can kill your own food.
10) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
11) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
12) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
13) Your underwear is 10$ for a three-pack.
14) If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
15) Everything on your face stays its original color.
16) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
17) Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
18) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
19) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
20) You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
21) Same work... more pay.
22) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
23) Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental – 75 bucks.
24) You don't mooch off other's desserts.
25) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
26) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
27) You pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"
28) You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
29) You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
30) You almost never have strap problems in public.
31) You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
32) The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33) You don't have to shave below your neck.
34) At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
35) Your belly usually hides your big hips.
36) One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
37) You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
38) You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
39) Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 26, 2005 8:44:36 GMT 1
Female Intuition
One day, three men were trekking through a jungle when they came across a violent, raging river. They had no idea how to cross. So the first man decided to pray:
'Please, God, give me the strength to cross this river.' Immediately he grew enormous muscles in his arms and legs, and he managed to swim across the river in a couple of hours, nearly drowning twice.
The second man saw this and he prayed 'Please, God, give me the strength AND the tools to cross this river.' A boat appeared from nowhere, and he battled across the river in an hour, nearly capsizing twice.
The third man saw this and prayed 'Please, God, give me the strength, the tools AND the intelligence to cross this river.'
Immediately he turned into a woman. She looked at the map, walked upstream a hundred yards, and crossed over the bridge to the other side
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 26, 2005 8:45:50 GMT 1
Whatever You want
There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.
The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.
The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.
So God made him a woman
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Post by Emma on Nov 26, 2005 15:51:14 GMT 1
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true,"
the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed
has to be taken for the rest of my life"?
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
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