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Post by The March Hare on Apr 12, 2006 7:34:25 GMT 1
What the duck?
A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread
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Post by marmaris98 on Apr 12, 2006 12:43:20 GMT 1
Olny srmat poelpe cna.
Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt!
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Post by jj on Apr 12, 2006 14:43:37 GMT 1
chinese couple get married-she's a virgin.
on the wedding night,she cowers under the sheets as her husband undresses
he climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
my darling i know dis you firt time and you flighten....i promise you,i give you anyting you want,i do anyting you want.what you want?
i want 69 she replies
you wanna beef with bloccolli
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Post by jj on Apr 12, 2006 14:47:03 GMT 1
A man walking along a California beach was
deep in thought.
Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and
booming voice said, "Because
you have tried to be a good person in every
way, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I
can drive over anytime I want."
God said, "Your request is very
materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The
supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel
it would take! It will nearly exhaust several
natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take
a little more time and think of something
that would honour the sanctity of life.
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "I wish that I could
understand my wife. I want to know
how she feels inside, what she's thinking when
she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when
she says nothing's wrong, and
how I can make a woman truly happy."
God replied, "You want two lanes or four
lanes on that bridge?"
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Post by jj on Apr 12, 2006 14:48:04 GMT 1
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's @rse."
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that..."
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Post by marmaris98 on Apr 12, 2006 19:27:50 GMT 1
good ones
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 13, 2006 8:07:43 GMT 1
14 Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 13, 2006 8:08:28 GMT 1
Marketing
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed". That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's Brand Recognition.
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 13, 2006 8:09:16 GMT 1
PLAY THINGS
Q: What is the similarity between PlayStations and breasts?
A: Both are made for children, but used by adults
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 14, 2006 7:36:17 GMT 1
After undergoing a full medical, a nervous man summons up the courage to ask his doctor: "How long have I got left to live?"
"Okay, I'll give it to you straight," the doctor replies. "Ten…"
"Ten what?" asks the terrified man. "Years, months, weeks, days?"
"Ten, nine, eight
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 14, 2006 7:36:38 GMT 1
Little Red Riding Hood
One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest when she sees a wolf sitting under a tree with his ears erect and his mouth stretched in a big toothy grin. She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!" The wolf just grins and looks a bit wild about the eyes. She says, "My, what big eyes you have!" The wolf grins a bit wider and looks slightly harassed. She says, "My, what big teeth you have!" "Look" says the wolf looking her in the eye, "F**k off! I'm trying to take a dump
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 14, 2006 7:37:38 GMT 1
A Little Testy
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.'' The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?'' ''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 14, 2006 7:38:39 GMT 1
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 15, 2006 7:46:01 GMT 1
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fillwith warmth.
"I think you're bad luck
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 15, 2006 7:46:59 GMT 1
Blondes at Sea
What do you call nine blondes in the ocean? An air pocket.
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 15, 2006 7:47:44 GMT 1
> A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the
> lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive
> young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes,
wearing a
>robe.
>
> The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
>him.
>
> As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she
had
>nothing else on.
> The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
>
> After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
> "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
>
> He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
> against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she
>purred at him,
>
> "What would you say is my best feature?"
>
> Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,
> "It's got to be your ears."
>
>
> Astounded, and a little hurt she asked,
>
> "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural.
> I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin -
> no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of
> my body is my ears?"
>
> Clearing his throat, he stammered ....
> "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.?.....
>
> That was me."
>
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 15, 2006 7:48:51 GMT 1
A rich white man threw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors, including Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I came home from a business trip and I found a 10 foot alligator got in my pool and I can't find anybody who will come and take him away. I'd give a million dollars to anyone who would do the job!" The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Kung-Fu master. The water was churning and splashing in the struggle. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the surface. He slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was staring in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "I don't want it," said Leroy, panting. The rich man said, "Leroy, I have to give you something! You won the bet." Leroy said, "I would be satisfied if you gave me the name of whichever one of these white motherf**kers it was that pushed me in the pool."
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 15, 2006 7:49:32 GMT 1
Sad Will Young
Will Young, Robbie Williams and Kylie Minouge went for a night on the town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt and gave her a good seeing to. "Its your turn now, Will", grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?" Will sobbed, "My head won't fit between the railings!"
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 15, 2006 18:12:09 GMT 1
I am locking thread so we can start again.
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Post by Bulent on Sept 19, 2006 17:26:12 GMT 1
Maybe Next Time
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."
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