Clean Jokes

[The March Hare]

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have I disagreeociate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the road to enlightenment:-
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact just f**k off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you' re going to steal your neighbour' s milk, that' s the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It' s not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don' t be irreplaceable. If you can' t be replaced, you can' t be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you' re unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you' re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you' re a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don' t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don' t have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.
16. Don' t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don' t get until just after you need it.

[The March Hare]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to
go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you

figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing."
---------------------------------------------------------------

[The March Hare]

1) That's not right . Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man . Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse . Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? . Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table . Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift . Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here..................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ............. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone ................... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight...................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile . Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive . Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

[The March Hare]

> > >> >
> > The best curry songs in the world.....EVER!
> >
> > Popadum Preach - Madonna
> > Korma Chameleon - Culture Club
> > Bhaji Trousers - Madness
> > King Prawn Massala Drinks Are Free - Wham
> > Dansak Queen - Abba
> > Korma People - Pulp
> > Tikka Chance On Me - Abba
> > When I Phall in Love - Nat King Cole
> > You Can't Curry Love - Diana Ross and the Supremes
> > Korma Police - Radiohead
> > Things Can Only Get Bhuna - D:Ream
> > Tears On My Pilau - Kylie Minogue
> > It's Bhuna Hard Days Night - The Beatles
> > Brothers in Naans - Dire Straits
> > Girlfriend in a Korma - The Smiths
> > Pilau Talk - Doris Day
> > It's My Chapati and I Cry If I Want To - Dave
> > I'm a Bhaji Girl - Aqua
> > Sag Aloo - Black Grape
> > Take That and Chapati - Take That
> > Bhuna Round The World and I Can't Find My Bhaji-LisaStansfield
> > I Don't Want To Dansak - Eddie Grant
> > Dansak on the Ceiling - Lionel Richie
> > We Are Jalfrezi - Sister Sledge
> > Vindaloo - Abba
> > I Don't Want to Go to Chutney - Elvis Costello
> > Rice Rice Baby - Vanilla Rice
> > Jalfrezi Jalfrezi Nights - Kiss
> > Tandoor Deliver - Adam and the Ants
> > Love me Tandoor - Elvis Presley
> > We Don't Have to Tikka Clothes Off - Germaine Jackson
> > Bye Bye Balti - Bay City Rollers
> > Bhuna to be Wild - Steppenwolf
> > Livin' Dhal - Cliff Richard
> > Raita Here, Raita Now - Fatboy Slim

[The March Hare]

WAS IT MURDER OR SUICIDE ~ A TRUE STORY

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a 10-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Dr. Mills continued, " Ordinarily, a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B".

When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the 10-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

--A true story from Associated Press, Report by Kurt Westervelt

[The March Hare]

Rindercella In memory of Ronnie Barker







>
>This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker
>could say all this without a sblack person (though God knows how many takes).
>Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery
>must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it
>without converting the sthingyerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you
>read ...
>--------------------------------------------------------
>This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
>Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
>worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling
>shot.
>At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
>The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge,
>and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible
>huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had
>tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let
>Rindercella go.
>Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
>Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She
>turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six
>dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks The gairy fodmother
>told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a
>cucking falamity.
>At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
>suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
>Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping
>her slass glipper.
>The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and
>the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg
>and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
>"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking
>brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly
>isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
>Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
>knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
>halls and a hig bard on.
>He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
>ferfectly.
>Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
>lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a
>follen swanny

[Emma]

Fab, loved the curry ones ;D

[The March Hare]

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please try you call again later.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy

[The March Hare]

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

[The March Hare]

A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor's office.

After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it's one of two things.

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean!" The guy says, "Can't you tell the difference?"

"Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what ya do...Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, - don't have sex with her anymore!"

[The March Hare]

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"

The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"

[The March Hare]

A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New York," he volunteered. "But she's a spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Really...wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!

[Bulent]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa .... ;D ;D ;D

[The March Hare]

Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.

They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window.

After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?

The nun Replied, "Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break

[The March Hare]

This fella goes to the doctor and says"Doctor, I've got a rash round my thingy, have you got anything for it?"

The doctor said" put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"

The doctor replies "Lipstick remover

[The March Hare]

TEN HUSBANDS

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

[The March Hare]

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand

[The March Hare]

A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie Bottle.
He rubs it and out pop two Genies. He makes three wishes. When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million dollars.

"Wow, my first two wishes have come true!" he yells.

He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys.

First, they beat the him up, then they tar and feather him. Next, they take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off to reveal the two Genies!

The first Genie turns to the second and says, "You know, I can understand his first two wishes but why would he want to be hung like a black man

[The March Hare]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -
you left your Injun running